Originally appeared on E! Online
Content warning: This story contains discussion of suicide.
Jamie McPhee is figuring out her new normal.
Less than one week after her husband James Ransone died by suicide on Dec. 19 at the age of 46, McPhee shared how she is navigating the loss while parenting their kids Jack, 6, and Violet, 4.
“They wanted ice cream after the park,” she posted on Instagram Dec. 23, explaining how she took them to a local mall. “Violet picked out a pink backpack. Jack made me buy and then build things at the Lego store.”
McPhee continued, “For the first time in my life, it was clear that people recognized me. I heard someone behind me in the food court say, ‘ask her.’”
And while the mom of two was grateful that strangers did not approach her about Ransone’s passing, she said the experience made her realize how “you never really know what people are going through.”
“In many moments we looked…happy. Normal. Laughing. Smiling,” she wrote. “How? Not because we aren’t grieving. We are. But because I have two beautiful, incredible children who force me *daily* to see all the love and all the light that still exists inside of this.”
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McPhee also addressed her late husband by his nickname “PJ,” writing in a heartbreaking note that his “devastating loss has also given so many an unbelievable gift” in “countless stories” about his life from friends and family.
“There are probably a hundred thousand more I still haven’t heard of people reconnecting,” she continued. “Of friendships healing after years of silence. Of truths finally being spoken. Of old pain being brought into the light and somehow… softening.”
“In the weeks before you left us, after months of telling me nearly every regret you’d ever carried: every mistake, every f–k-up, every hurtful thing you thought you’d wrote or said, you burst into tears and said: ‘Babe, you know the most fucked-up thing of all? I actually love everyone,’” McPhee recalled. “Well babe, it turns out that despite all of it, everyone actually loves you too.”
Her heartbreaking message followed a tribute to the “It Chapter Two” actor written two days following his passing. On Dec 21, she captioned a photo of herself and Ransone on Instagram, “I told you I have loved you 1000 times before and I know I will love you again, You told me — I need to be more like you and you need to be more like me — and you were so right.”
“Thank you for giving me the greatest gifts — you, Jack and Violet,” she added. “We are forever.”
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. You can also visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional support.
