All couples fight, it’s a given. But when relationship stress mixes with work stress, financial angst, and family flare-ups, little squabbles can morph into damaging arguments.
As a couples counselor, I’ve seen how unresolved, repetitive conflicts can create a culture of negativity, which can whittle a healthy relationship dynamic down to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness.
For over 50 years, psychologist John Gottman, along with his wife and fellow psychologist Julie Gottman, conducted hundreds of studies on relationships and communication. They identified four toxic communication strategies that can lead to breakups, separation, and divorce — a theory Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Couples who avoid these four communication pitfalls tend to have happier, healthier relationships:
1. Criticism and blame
When criticism and blame are present in a discussion, phrases like “you always” and “you never” tend to run amok. These types of expressions are unhelpful, and often elicit defensive responses.
What to do instead
Replace “you always” and “you never” with “I” statements. Try to make your complaints specific by stating a particular behavior, and then talk about your own feelings that came up.
Try this strategic formula: “When [X] happened, I felt [X] and [X]. In the future, I would love [X].
Here’s what that might sound like in a real conversation: “Last night when you called me a shrieking freak, I felt angry, then really, really sad. Moving forward, I would love it if you would curb the name-calling and just tell me what you need.”
2. Defensiveness
Think self-victimization, excuses, and cross-complaining (i.e., responding to a complaint with one of your own). One partner’s defensiveness signals to the other that they’re trying to deflect, dismiss, or ignore, rather than repair. It can cause frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. This dynamic can lead to disconnection, loneliness, and emotional distress.
What to do instead
Listen to complaints with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding of how your behavior has affected your partner, like:
- “Can you share a little more about that?”
- “How did that make you feel?”
Repeat back your understanding of how your actions or choices affected your partner emotionally. Then take responsibility for your actions during the conflict, and offer a genuine apology.
For example, you might say: “I’m so sorry I shared your most embarrassing high school story with your work colleagues. I realize how awkward and uncomfortable that made you feel, and I feel terrible you had to relive those feelings again. Next time, I’ll try to be more mindful when sharing childhood experiences.”
3. Contempt
Contempt includes lashing out in disdain, berating and belittling, using menacing language, and trashing your partner’s character. It’s “you hideous monster” and “you heinous witch.”
In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman shares his theory that contempt is a top predictor of divorce. It ups anxiety, explodes the couple’s friendship, and shuts down sex.
What to do instead
Gottman’s antidote for contempt is to co-create a culture of fondness and appreciation. This translates to expressions of warmth, affection, gratitude, and emotional closeness. It includes appreciating the little stuff, celebrating the big stuff, scheduling dates, and spending time together.
It can be as simple as letting your partner know that you’re genuinely grateful for something they said or did. You might say, for instance:
- “Last night at Janet’s party, I loved how you made us all laugh so hard when you told that hilarious cat story!”
- “It’s nice that we can just sit quietly together and read, and I still feel so connected to you.”
All these little moments add up.
4. Stonewalling
Usually stonewalling happens when one partner has become so angry, activated, or overwhelmed that they suddenly shut down, refuse to engage in further communication, and even physically remove themselves from the situation in the middle of an argument.
But the silent treatment is dangerous. It can leave the other person feeling frustrated, invalidated, and abandoned. It can trigger feelings of rejection, anxious attachment behavior, and emotional withdrawal. And in the long run, avoidance can squash vulnerability, erode trust, and fuel resentment.
What to do instead
In the repair process, both partners need to try to be open, honest, and emotionally present. If you or your partner are getting so worked up that you’re about to storm off or go silent, it’s time for a break.
You should both:
- Disengage from the conflict.
- Schedule a time to come back to the table and discuss.
- Self soothe. Go to separate corners to calm down — whether it’s by doing some deep breathing, exercising, calling a friend, or listening to music. The goal is to quiet the brain and settle down the body before you return to the conversation.
It just takes one partner, in the heat of conflict, to identify one of the four horsemen, lasso it, and ride it off the ranch. It can mean the difference between a relationship that explodes into a zillion pieces or lopes off quietly into the night — and one that thrives for the foreseeable future.
Kelley J. Brower is a former professional comedian and a psychotherapist who’s specialized in couples and relationships for the last 10 years. As a Level 3 Gottman counselor, and a certified first responder crisis counselor, Kelley believes that when evidenced-based theories, techniques, and tools are blended together with solid experience, expert training, and a splash of creativity and humor, amazing behavioral changes can happen.
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