On the latest season of Netflix’s reality dating show “Love is Blind,” one male contestant immediately caught the attention of several female contestants with his forthright admission: he has money.
The show features a group of men and women who blindly date each other — as in, going on dates where they can hear the other person, but not see them. The goal is to find a match and get engaged, at which point the couple gets to see each other’s faces.
Leo Baudy, a 31-year-old art dealer, says he wants to find a woman who doesn’t want him solely for his fortune, but he is also quick to tell his dates that he makes a lot of money. He inherited his lucrative business and much of its wealth from deceased relatives, he says.
While Baudy briefly found a match on the show, his contradictory admissions drew ire from viewers online. “If Leo doesn’t want girls to date him for his wealth and career, why does he constantly mention it?” one user asked on X.
Of course, TV doesn’t always mirror reality. But how to bring up money on a date or in a new relationship is a tricky topic for many people. In fact, 44% of adults say they wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who brought up money on the first date, a 2022 survey from The Balance found.
While dating and etiquette experts alike generally advise against bringing up finances on a first date, money is an important topic to discuss if you’re thinking about a long-term partnership with someone. And it can be a pain point for individuals who might have unaddressed shame around money — whether it’s about having a lot or not enough.
Here’s how to bring it up gracefully.
Subtlety over secrecy
Certain financial situations, such as debt or a lack of financial literacy, can be deal breakers in a romantic partner for some people. But bringing up money as soon as you meet someone can be awkward and unattractive.
“Especially when you’re dating, you don’t want [money] to be a big secret, but also you don’t want to come out of the gate with, like, here’s my credit report and my credit score,” Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist, tells CNBC Make It.
Instead of asking direct questions or bringing up your own specific situation like Baudy, introduce conversation topics that can give you hints, Bryan-Podvin says. That can include basic questions, such as where they work or what part of town they live in, “but also things like, ‘What was your favorite vacation that you took this year?’ or ‘Where are you hoping to travel this year?'”
You can also try asking about big-picture goals, such as if they want to own a home or move to a different city, Bryan-Podvin suggests.
These types of questions can give you hints about their financial status and spending habits, and illuminate the kind of lifestyle they lead. Knowing someone is planning several international vacations may be preferable — or not — to you, compared with someone who’s more into road trips, for example.
‘Lead with vulnerability’
Everybody has a different experience with money. Some people may be guarded and hesitant to share. Others, like Baudy, may come off as judgmental toward others.
Rather than assuming other people have bad intentions, Bryan-Podvin says to embrace your feelings about money and be transparent in a respectful way.
“You can lead with vulnerability rather than leading with ‘I have money and therefore I don’t want a gold digger,'” she says. “There are different ways to communicate things without it being so gross or off-putting.”
She suggests acknowledging that you ask a lot of money-related questions and that it’s because you’ve had negative experiences in the past and you want to be careful, for example. It’s helpful for your partner to know where you’re coming from when you start to talk about things like sharing bills and setting goals together.
“Often, the big worry is, ‘If I talk about [money], people are going to think I’m weird,'” Bryan-Podvin says. “But often…when we don’t talk about it, we assume the other person can read our mind, and then we get mad at them when the way they read our mind doesn’t match the way that we really think.”
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